Dear Reader,

If you clicked on this section of the Elephant Alliance website, it’s likely you’ve had a relationship with a teacher (or a coach/other school employee) that was inappropriately close in some way. Maybe this included a physical sexual relationship, maybe it didn’t. Maybe the relationship happened years ago, and you haven’t talked to your former teacher in years. Maybe you’re sitting in their class as you are reading this. 

Abuse can make it extremely difficult to see our relationships clearly.

Teachers who are inappropriately close with students build these relationships carefully, sometimes over long periods of time. They earn your trust and loyalty. They might make it feel like a romantic relationship. They might say they can’t help themselves around you, or give you the false sense that you are in charge; that you are in control. 

“How could this be sexual abuse if I never said no?” 

A difficult truth to consider is this: several things can be true at once. 

You might have never said “no,” and it can still be sexual abuse. Your teacher could have been very kind to you, and simultaneously taken advantage of you. 

When we are young children learning about “stranger danger,” we are told that adults should not be asking children for help. The most famous example: It is a red flag if an adult comes up to you and asks you - a child - for help finding their lost dog. That person is trying to trick you, and probably hurt you. The same logic applies to sex. Adults do not meet their sexual needs with kids who are underage. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are.

Teachers who do sexual things with students know that what they are doing is wrong. They rationalize their actions to themselves – and their targets – in order to make it seem normal.

 Sometimes they tell the student how mature they are. They usually treat the student more like an adult, which makes the student feel special and eager to please. They make the student feel responsible by telling them how attractive they are; how they can’t control themselves when they are around them. To a child, these are extremely flattering things to hear. Teenagers, especially, find this kind of affirmation addicting. 

Research shows that teachers who engage sexually with their students are master manipulators. They are often “that cool teacher” who everyone loves – they can be incredibly charming, and well-liked throughout the school and community. They can also have many positive qualities that make it easy to downplay their abusive qualities. (“He made some mistakes and crossed a few lines with me, but he is such an amazing teacher and has helped so many other kids succeed. It’s not that big of a deal.”)

For children, sex with an adult IS a big deal. From a psychological standpoint, it is considered a traumatic experience. But as resilient humans, when we encounter trauma, we develop coping mechanisms to endure it. In some cases, one of the best coping mechanisms we have is to remember the experience as a positive one. It is much easier to remember “I was in a secret relationship” than “I was manipulated into sex.”

Sometimes, (even after years of therapy) the intensity of our emotions make it impossible to find clarity about our own relationships and history. These situations are complicated. Everyone navigates this in their own way, at their own pace. Whatever they may be, your feelings and thoughts are valid. 

Taking a step back can help us gain perspective. If you were to read about your own experience in a newspaper article, as an event that happened to someone else at some other school, how would it make you feel? Would you say the teacher shouldn’t have done those things to a student?

Talking to someone we trust can also help us gain perspective. Many people in these kinds of relationships go years without speaking a word of it to anyone. This can be exhausting! If you have a therapist or counselor, consider bringing this topic up at your next session. If you need guidance on finding a therapist, click here. Please do not hesitate to reach out to The Elephant Alliance directly. There are also 24/7 anonymous hotlines available, like the RAINN hotline: 1-800-656-4673. There are plenty of other resources located here.

You are not alone.